


Worse than nicotine

by red right hand (TheBadOne)



Category: Mindhunter (TV 2017)
Genre: M/M, One Shot, References to Addiction, Short One Shot, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:29:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22780258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBadOne/pseuds/red%20right%20hand
Summary: Just some thoughts in a fic format on Bill’s smoking habit.
Relationships: Holden Ford & Bill Tench, Holden Ford/Bill Tench
Comments: 3
Kudos: 42





	Worse than nicotine

**Author's Note:**

> Not beta read, probably full of grammar errors, but I really wanted to just finish this one thing. I hope you enjoy.

Holden doesn’t smoke, but he feels the bitter taste of nicotine in his mouth very often these days and all his favorite clothes smell faintly of cigarettes. That’s how Bill first seeped into him, with those grey clouds of a bad habit. He should have known back then in the cafeteria when they first met. Bill, like the characteristic smell, once clings to you is extremely difficult to get rid of and all you can do is try to cover it up with something else. And he did try, Debbie smelled lovely, flowers and warm leather, but those were fleeting, not potent enough to stay. He really had no choice. Bill seeped into his nostrils, his mind, then into other crevices and cavities of his body, his soul, and eventually into his whole life. Sometimes he wonders if there is a god above who played a trick on him and gave him Bill in place of an addiction.

  
He wouldn’t admit it, but back when he was hopelessly unaware that he’s already falling for Bill he used to find comfort in the entire familiarity of him. He liked to hate his hideous ties, his haircut, his cigarettes. All that rough state of being. These things about Bill didn’t change, but when Holden understood his fondness in its core, he didn’t have to cling to them any more.

  
Now Holden asks him to at least try not to smoke inside, but he can’t really make him go out at four in the morning after they made love in their warm bed in the middle of January, even with Virginia’s mild winters. The most he gets is an open window, but he’s in love and it makes him tolerate it. Bill is a good man, he already changed on his own so much and in things that matter more than cigarettes that Holden can cut him some slack on this one.

  
Bill is standing in just his boxers by the window, which is cracked open only enough to let in fresh air and the smoke out. Holden was supposed to stay in bed, but got up after him and came to wrap his arms around him from the back. He presses a soft kiss to his partner’s shoulder and warm palms to his chest.

  
‘I’ll be done in a moment,’ says Bill, already feeling the pull towards a different kind of need, in the form of his lover’s shape next to him in bed when he sleeps.

  
‘I’m afraid you might get sick, standing all hot and sweaty in here.’

  
‘It’s you who wanted me to smoke with the window open.’

  
‘I know. I’m sorry.’

  
Bill covers one of Holden’s hands with his own and takes another long drag of his cigarette before making two smoke rings for his lover’s amusement. Holden always thought it was cool and Bill offered to teach him once, but he only scoffed at him. He pretends he doesn’t like it.

‘You’re annoying, you know that?’

  
Holden knows after all the time they had spend together it’s not a serious statement, just teasing, so he nuzzles his face into Bill’s muscular back and sighs.

  
‘I love you.’

  
‘I love you too.’

  
Bill never says it, but in his mind loving Holden is much worse than nicotine addiction. He would try to drop smoking if the boy only asked, just to make him happy, but Holden knows him too well to put him through the misery of withdrawal, at least for the time being. He’s the best and worst that ever happened to Bill, because for him he dropped everything else that used to bring him harm and those were most of the things he knew. Holden was more than a simple cigarette, he was a living wildfire, leaving scorched earth in his wake from which new, greener grass started to grow. A painful, dangerous process, but the satisfaction is worth all the trouble.

  
Bill puts out his cigarette on the windowsill and throws the bud down to the sidewalk below, despite a hard slap Holden gives his hand. He closes the window, turns around and takes scandalized Holden into his arms. He feigns resistance, but only for a second, before he gets pulled into a deep kiss.

  
The love Holden has for Bill doesn’t change the fact kissing him feels like licking an ashtray sometimes. He prefers the smoothness and sharpness of whiskey on Bill’s lips if anything. Still, he isn’t going to complain, as long as Bill decides to put his mouth anywhere on his body.

  
Holden is young, enough to be insatiable, hungry for pleasure, for praise, for love. Bill can see how much of him is raw want. He tries to wrap his mind around the idea that Holden wants him above all else. Nobody ever did, but this man, this brash young blood. Bill breaks the kiss and looks him in the eyes in the half-darkness of the room. Nothing but truth. Bare and unyielding.

  
‘What?’

  
Holden is searching Bill’s face wondering what he is thinking about.

  
‘Nothing. You’re amazing.’

  
‘Why?’

  
‘I don’t know anyone else like you.’

  
‘I never met anyone like you, either. Not this amalgamation of qualities.’

  
‘Is it good or bad?’

  
‘Good. You’re good.’

  
Bill can’t say he’s used to compliments in general, but Holden spoils him not even knowing it. He gently slaps his ass.

  
‘Let’s go back to bed, ok?’

  
He’s rewarded with a rare wide smile. The covers are still pleasurably warm.

  
Bill tried to teach Holden how to smoke once when they were still in the very early stages of their relationship, when the tension was already high, but they still denied themselves. Bill stayed over, for some mundane made up reason and Holden insisted he has to sleep in the bed. It happened in the early morning, before Bill would have to go back to his own place for a fresh shirt, because he didn’t bring one with him in advance, but didn’t want to leave just yet. They were sitting in near silence at the edge of the bed, thighs touching, while Bill was smoking his first cigarette of the day and Holden looked curious enough for Bill to ask if he ever tried to smoke.

  
‘I once tried marihuana from a bong.’

  
‘Debbie?’

  
Holden nodded, slightly embarrassed and blushing. He didn’t except Bill to already know him that well back then.

  
‘Cigarettes are different. Not entirely, but quite. Do you want to try?’

  
Holden extended his hand to show his willingness, but Bill didn’t hand a cigarette over to him, instead took the one he’s been smoking with his thumb and index finger a little above the filter and rotated it towards Holden’s mouth.

  
‘Don’t try to breathe in too much smoke at first, start easy, just suck in a little.’

  
Bill’s voice was still ruspy from sleep, quiet, almost gentle, but with a hint of authority. He didn’t let go of the cigarette as Holden opened his mouth a little looking him in the eyes and wrapped his lips around the tip. Bill observed with amusement as Holden took in some smoke into his mouth, backed away a bit drawing in a breath and after a second or two coughed only once, but immediately had a displeased expression.

  
‘I don’t think it’s for me.’

  
‘Wait, let me try something else. Open your mouth again, slightly.’

  
Holden had no idea what Bill planned, but still parted his lips and waited, looking with amusement as his partner took a long drag and with lips close to his, blew the smoke into his mouth. The next thing Holden remembers is the kiss that followed and climbing into Bill’s lap where he felt his future lover’s erection for the first time right between his own legs. Bill accidentally burned a hole into the sheets when he dropped the cigarette in surprise.

  
Holden’s interest in smoking immediately diminished as soon as they started to regularly make out. Bill felt like a teenager again, guilt, being afraid of getting caught and thrill of rebellion included. He would almost forget to smoke at times when he had Holden’s lips on his own, but he surprisingly quickly got used to it and in the end couldn’t break his old habit even in his company. He even had an extra reason to smoke when touching became heavy petting and he would orgasm with Holden’s hand in his boxers. It called for a cigarette.

  
Since then sleeping together started to mean having sex and not just laying in the same bed. It wasn’t that difficult to figure things out in that department, using the theoretical knowledge they used to pretend they didn’t have and a bit of trial and error. It meant sometimes cigarettes accidentally made their way into the situation, like when Holden decided it’ll be fun to give Bill head in the car somewhere on a side road in South Carolina just as he’s been lighting a new one, or when they spend the whole Labor Day, that has been their first free day for a while, in bed.

  
Bill knows Holden is concerned for his health. He himself started to feel concerned, because he’s already older than him plus his life expectancy is shortened. He knows that he might, that under normal circumstances is, going to die before him, but doesn’t wish it to be too soon.

As he’s once again warm, cuddling under the covers with the love of his life, he makes a decision he does want try to smoke less, maybe even stop completely, although he’s not sure he has that much of willpower. He says it out loud and Holden strokes his cheek with his hand.

  
‘Thank you.’

  
‘If I start being a dick don’t assume it’s your fault, ok?’

  
A soft nod is the last thing he registers before he drifts off to sleep and Holden stays awake just a moment longer, staring into the soft darkness of the room and enjoying the solid presence of the only person who is taking sacrifices for him. He can feel Bill’s natural scent as he closes his eyes.


End file.
